A Modest Gun Proposal

By: Gus Victoria

Sad and melancholy becomes the mood of all patriots walking the streets of any city in this country when it is shown to them the utter lack of safety and security at every corner; the risk taken with every step. Before any decision to venture out is made one must weigh whether it is more dangerous to stay at home or leave the house. The fear might seem appalling to an outsider, but it is perfectly natural and oftentimes paralyzing for those poor souls who must battle daily their fear and navigate the streets and roads to the grocery store, library, school, or any other place their plans and obligations must take them.

In a country of just over 300 million people the terror is that less than a third of the population is armed! Only approximately 80 million adults claim to own firearms. That leaves more than 220 million lost without the security that owning and using a firearm confers. I am not one to lean heavily on hyperbole and shudder at the thought of exaggerating a topic so serious, but any good God-fearing person can easily see that this is a crisis; one of this nation’s greatest. We must get the guns to the people! It is the only way to keep everyone safe. A comprehensive plan must therefore be put in place to distribute firearms and educate all legal citizens of this country on their use. The following is by no means comprehensive, but it is a beginning.

In my fervent and passionate desire to see this country as safe and prosperous as possible where we can all hold hands and get along like neighbors I propose that all children entering second grade be issued a small handgun. They must learn with a weapon they can hold and feel comfortable with because that is essential to good marksmanship and general safety. It would do no one any good to start off this program by handing out an assault rifle to children too small to hold it properly let alone fire it. This is proof that I value safety above all else.

As children learn to read and begin to pick up on their social skills; right as they begin to form the informal hierarchies that will rule the rest of their lives they must also learn to live with the reality of that glorious tool that is their birthright.  Keep in mind we are, by no means, raising soldiers or mindless militants. We will not change the incredible education system that is in place now and has been the pride of this nation for decades. We are simply adding gun instruction to that already stellar curriculum. Simple and effective.

By the time children graduate elementary education and move into their teenage years it will be assumed they are masters of their handguns. Having had them for years, no doubt many will have grown fond and perhaps even named their gun with names such as Flippity Flop Glock, Thunderer27, or Sprinkles. They may even have decorated it. We must encourage the enthusiasm and personalization impulse, but strongly discourage purely aesthetic modification. The imagination of a child is great and worth protecting, but its tendency to fly on its own makes it also necessary to guide and mold properly.

The first objection to my plan might come here as the child enters high school. Is not an angsty teenager with hormones running rampant, a skewed inexperienced view of the world and the arrogance of youth combined with a sense of immortality a dangerous combination without handing them a gun? Absolutely! That is WHY we will hand them their first semi-automatic weapon. The awesome sense of responsibility and power will temper their otherwise immature impulses. Bullying will cease to exist and drugs will become a problem of the archaic unarmed past. Instruction in firearm use will continue and become a separate part of a newly expanded standardized test. The student will be required to name the various parts of their weapon in a detailed deconstruction and have an instructor-led marksmanship exam. The students will surely, by now, feel little stress in handling a gun and will pass these exams easily helping grant them entrance into a university.

Symbolic of their achievement thus far and as a promise of future potential, upon graduation each student will receive a fully automatic assault rifle with their diploma. They may or may not have any idea how to use it, but there will be many opportunities to learn whether in college or in classes held at the local community center. The intent is to make every graduating senior feel that indeed their future is what they make of it. Safe and very secure.

I now take a moment or two to iron out a few questions that no doubt have formed in the reader’s mind by now. What about children that do not attend a traditional school? Private schools will admittedly, with often more resources than public schools, be able to offer even better gun training and education. A private education should therefore be seen as a boon and not a burden. Home schooling might be a bit more of a challenge, but with some aid and the unequalled personal attention the student receives in this environment, I would worry very little. Remember, ALL students MUST pass their Firearm Usage and Control Qualifying Exam (the FUCQE for short). Therefore it would be in the child’s interest to make sure firearm instruction was given serious attention.

How will this be paid for? This one seems difficult to answer at first as we are talking about millions of guns and hours of instruction. However one incredible side-effect of gun ownership and usage is a deep abiding sense of caring and accountability. With these at their side all subsequent generations will no longer need the so-called socialist safety net of Social Security or any such similar programs based on age or race or imaginary need. With all the money saved from ending those useless programs we will have more than enough to pay for all our children to have access to guns and be taught in their use. Finally we will have secured the safety of our most precious treasure.

To this point we have only touched upon bringing guns to the children and teaching them in their use from a young age up through high school. This is vital of course, but admittedly incomplete. At the implementation of this plan there will be millions and millions of unsafe, ignorant adults that will need access and instruction in firearm use. The first gun will always be free. At first, classes will be optional and offered to those willing to learn. After a certain grace period these classes will become compulsory. Upon completion a license to carry a concealed gun will be issued for the gun in question. In order to uphold these virtues of American civic duty and enforce the law of the land, law enforcement agencies will be empowered to ask for proof of license at any time from any citizen and issue a hefty fine to those failing to procure a valid one.  These fines will be used to help fund the gun programs for our children.

All restrictions on all firearms shall be lifted and an Amendment passed to the perfect and sacred Constitution to assure that they are never placed again. If we are serious about keeping ourselves and each other safe this becomes an obvious necessity.

Hunting shall change little with one notable exception. No restrictions. In a great and prosperous nation where there is plenty of wildlife and expansive forests there is little need to place pesky restrictions on honest hunters. If we were not meant to hunt animals, God wouldn’t have put them there for us, or made many of them taste so delicious. We only ask that hunters keep meticulous records of kills so we can hand out end-of-year prizes for superlative hunters in the form of tax breaks and incentives.

Even though the fact that everyone eventually having at least one gun on their person at all times will decrease crime to such a negligible low level the laws protecting citizens who choose to hold their ground and defend their property and their loved ones will be expanded. No one will ever be prosecuted if they happen to kill a criminal out to harm them. These people choose to become heroes instead of victims and should be treated accordingly. Little more needs ever be written on this subject. Defense and protection in the promotion of perpetual safety is the entire reason for this proposal.

Out of love for my country and with the sincere belief that by arming every single lawful citizen we can, together, promote safety and everlasting peace amongst each other as well as fostering a sense of belonging and brotherhood I propose this plan. I seek no enrichment for myself nor do I request credit be given to me in full or in part for any ideas articulated here and thereafter implemented. The credit and honor will go to those whose effort makes this all possible. To those brave souls I entrust the safety of our children and our nation. God bless you. God bless America.