By: Gus Victoria
Working at a theme park can sometimes be monotonous, but
many other times it can be crushing with the pressure that comes from dealing
with guests that have done away with common sense for the duration of their
vacation (assuming, generously I might add, that they had any to begin with).
The insane requests add up and sometimes no amount of shouting or pointing can
convince a family that the door clearly marked “exit” is not secretly an
entrance. Those are just a couple of the
things one must deal with.
In this work environment stress can easily get to you.
During one of those stress-filled days recently I wondered what it would be
like if the entire attraction was run by gods and heroes of old? I took each
position as you encounter it and put a character fitting the role; historically
and/or mythologically. So enjoy Magic Kingdom’s Haunted Mansion as run by a
godly cast!
Greeters
Cuchulainn - Beowulf
As you approach the entrance of the mansion you see two
hulking warriors. Each dressed in the typical butler green you no doubt notice
the muscles tearing at the fabric as if two Germanic Incredible Hulks await the
question they know is leaping to escape.
“Is this the—“
Before you can finish and say “entrance” Beowulf bellows
“Enter foolish mortal!!” Then he and Cuchlainn share a hearty laugh as they
take long deep swigs from their tremendous tankards which you assume are filled
with something other than water. The sun glints off their tremendous steel
weapons giving you a sense of trepidation and unease that will only grow as you
continue down the queue. These two are after all the most good-natured of the
cast.
Turnstiles
Hecate
Winding your way down the path, around the rose garden and
through the garnet-colored canopy you finally come upon a crossroads. To your
left is a world of interactive enchantment through a wondrous cemetery and to your right…is not. Hecate stands there waiting not very patiently for you to make
your choice. As you struggle with your choice you notice Hecate’s smile waver
and fade. Her mood darkens and so does the sky. You feel electricity in the
air. A choice begins to form in your head, but you cannot yet decide your
course. Storm clouds gather around you and the once sunny Florida day has
threatened to let loose a deluge of near-bibical proportions. Yet you continue
to delay your choice. In a moment of clarity though you run to your left and
the skies clear as you look back to see a grinning Hecate wave warmly at you as
she smiles.
Queue
Anubis
After having traveled through the enchanted cemetery playing
amongst the tombs of a composer, a sea captain, and a poetess you reach a place
where before you is a large wooden door. In front of this closed door stands
Anubis. Despite his jackal-head you can understand him perfectly as he
humorlessly requests that you fill all the open space in front of. That’s when
you notice that indeed there is much space between you and the next person. You
look sheepishly at Anubis as you inch closer to the person in front of you and
the doors. You can’t tell if it is a smile or a snarl that he casts at you, but
whatever it is you feel it burn deep within your soul laying bare all your
secrets and insecurities when suddenly the door in front of you flies open!
Stretch
Thor
“YOUR TIME HAS COME! ENTER MORTALS!!”
The command is shouted like thunder and you tremble slightly.
You feel fortunate that trembling was your only hesitation because hanging
conspicuously from his belt is the biggest war hammer you have ever seen. Even
in the darkened foyer room you can see the energy crackling across it and the
power emanating from it. A child begins to cry frantically that he is
terrified. His concerned parents share a panicked look hoping, in vain, that
Thor does not notice.
With a furious glance in their direction the child is
silenced; momentarily. Upon the second shriek though Mjolnir rises and Thor
brandishes it in front of the bratty child.
“CHILD THIS HOUSE IS NOT TO BE FEARED!! I AM!! INTO THE
ROOM! NOW!!!!”
With that the parents faint. With disgust Thor calls to his
father’s ravens and they escort the frightened party out. With a glance that
would melt the strongest resolve of the most veteran warrior Thor challenges
anyone to repeat the display of the weakling child and his parents. No one does
and content, Thor enters the Stretch room kindly asking everyone to enter the
dead center. No one disobeys.
Load 1
Hercules
Surviving the most terrifying moments of your life to that
point you enter a hallway at the end of which is a slowly moving belt. Beside
this belt move your ride vehicles; nearly identical black buggies. On the belt you see two figures, one at each
end. The first is nearly as intimidating as Thor. He is the mighty Hercules and
though his rippling frame is impressive it is the hint of madness in his eyes
that gives you pause. As you approach he tells you in no uncertain terms that
there are no more than three to a buggy. As you turn to discuss with your
family who will ride with whom you feel an iron grip close around your waist
and in a moment you are thrust mightily into the empty waiting buggy. Hercules
simply says in a humorless tone, “you ride alone.”
Load 2
Thoth
At the end of that very belt you see an Ibis- headed butler.
Like Anubis before you can also understand him perfectly. His nametag says
“Thoth.” He stands in front of a colorful monitor that read all sorts of
information you can’t decipher from your seat and through your shock. With a
feather he uses as a pen he bids you to sit back, let the bar close, and enjoy
your ride. Then he writes down something. You pray as you’ve never prayed
before that whatever he wrote down was good. You are not sure.
Unload
Kali – Fudo Myoo
The ride itself consists of the most peaceful eight minutes
you’ve had throughout this entire experience.
That ends in a urine-inducing frenzy brought about by a four-limbed
monstrosity wielding a scimitar and a necklace of severed human heads. She
shouts that you exit to your left and watch your step. You do so, because you
know to disobey would be fatal. Kali then spits out a sincere “have a magical
day!” The blood she splatters you with
you know you will not clean as easily as the urine.
Fudo Myoo stares at you as you exit. With a sword in one
hand and a length of rope he is almost as intimidating a figure as Kali. He
tells you to watch your step as well. You would feel offended at this repeated
instruction where it not for the fact that deep in your heart you know to show
such offense would result in a new head for Kali’s necklace or you might find
out what Fudo-Myoo’s accessories are for.
Wheelchair Assist
(Optional)
Jesus Christ
If you or any in your party were confined to a wheelchair you
would have seen Jesus smiling warmly. He would have asked how far you could
walk. Whatever your answer and whatever your malady he would cure it and your
wheelchair would be commandeered and recycled for something far more useful.
“Oh you say you can’t walk, oh but I think you can…rise.”
And there you have it, this is the universe’s greatest cast
for Magic Kingdom’s Haunted Mansion. No nonsense and no stress, well for the
cast at least. However a cast needs other to help coordinate the various tasks
needed. And what better leader than the Prince of Egypt himself: Moses. He and
Anubis do not get along well personally, but respect the hell out of each
other.
And above Moses, running the show if you will, is Ganesha.
With luck and wisdom such as his the attraction is in good hands; all four of
them.
Moses - Ganesha
(Originally posted April 9, 2011)
