Sacbeob (White Roads)

By: Gus Victoria

White roads,

Sacbeob,

Made to wander

Ancient Mayab

From temple to palace

Under Zamna’s guidance

And Chac’s rain.

Sacbeob.

Each a path,

A journey chosen,

Traveled slowly.

A mystic way.

Feathered serpent,

Plumed master

In a house of stone,

Temple atop a castle,

I find

At the end of one.

Only one sacbe.

Mystic dwarf,

Magician in your structure

Bid me come

Along another.

To heaven and hell

The Twins beckon

As the Lords of Hell they defeat

In a grand court,

Xibalba is there at the end

Of another white road.

Xkeban and Utz-Colel,

The flower and the thorn,

Xtabentun and Ixtabay

Wait for me,

To discover at the end,

Another sacbe,

Another road traveled.

Another facet

Of the jeweled peninsula,

Of my beloved Mayab.

Of my home.

Perfect Staff - Pirates of the Caribbean Edition

More than a year ago I posted The Perfect Staff - Haunted Mansion Edition. I took the Haunted Mansion cast list position by position and chose a mythological god or hero appropriate to each particular role. It has since become a very popular read. Recently I crossed lands and began work at another attraction within the Magic Kingdom; Pirates of the Caribbean. I took the same concept I did with the Haunted Mansion and chose a set of heroes and gods from various pantheons to fill the positions needed to operate the attraction. Some of these gods and heroes are less well known than others so in an effort to inform as well as entertain I have linked the caption in the picture of each mythological figure to its respective Wikipedia page. Feel free to click and learn more. On to Pirates!!

Stroller Parking - The Fir Bolg

Having just enjoyed a legendary Dole Whip you and the rest of your intrepid party agree to continue on through Adventureland to ride Pirates of the Caribbean. As you near the entrance of the attraction you clearly see a large mast somehow impossibly buried in the ground without the rest of the ship nearby. Atop the crow’s nest is a skeleton of a sailor far more unfortunate than you. So you think.


As you wonder at this marvel and the fate that befell that now eternal lookout you are momentarily distracted by a small group of rugged-looking individuals. They are wearing old tattered clothing with their eyes down cast moving constantly between that mast and a place across the street. Strollers! That is what they are moving; a constant, never-ending stream of strollers is being moved from the chaotic cluster around the mast to a slightly less chaotic cluster across the street. Not one directs a word at you leaving you with the distinct impression that they do not even see you there. You shrug it off and head to the entrance.

Mast - Jason

Mast - Sinbad the Sailor

The mast stands outside a wide plaza sheltering those inside from the heat of the Florida sun. And outside that plaza, standing near to each other are two massive men who seem quite at ease in the heat. While one speaks the other listens intently with the occasional disbelieving shake of the head or hearty laugh and slap on the back. They go back and forth for a bit as you stand rooted to your spot until one calls out, “khosh amadid!” He waves you over and repeats “khosh amadid!” He is wearing a long loose white tunic cinched with a belt of red cloth from which hangs a menacing scimitar. He introduces himself as Sinbad the Sailor and motions to his friend, introducing him as the Greek Jason, captain of the Argo. Jason is wearing a white robe in the Greek style, somewhat shorter than Sinbad’s. On his back, like a gaudy trophy he wears, like a cape, a golden fleece. Sinbad explains he was simply saying “welcome!” and to come in and enjoy a nautical adventure, but to be careful as it is often said and always believed that dead men tell no tales.

Photocells - Nuada Airgetlam

You move deeper into the plaza and finally reach two huge wooden doors. They are open as you approach but standing before them is a figure no less imposing than the two outside. He seems calm and at ease but he is armored in a hauberk of chain mail and a winged helm. He is carrying a massive greatsword that seems to emit its own dull light in the shadows of the plaza. It is an item of unmistakable power that you are content to stay well clear of. He has only one natural arm; the right one. His left arm he moves just as naturally yet is made entirely of silver. As you stare in stunned amazement he speaks. “I am Nuada Airgetlam, King of the Tuatha De Danann. I hope you have been properly welcomed by my companions outside. If you had any strollers my once-foes, the noble Firbolg, I trust have moved them to a proper place. Use either entrance ahead, but use caution always. Travel well friends.”

Port - The Ashvins, Nasatya and Dasra

You make a quick decision and enter the left doorway. Going down into the depths of a long-abandoned fort you pass abandoned weapons, casks of rum, cannon, and more than one skeleton among other even less desirable things. Eventually the passages open up to a small dock where boats seem to be coming and going. At this dock stand two identical twins who radiate a beautiful feeling of calm. Though they carry large whips at their sides and they move about comfortably with them you sense compassion and calm. They ask how many in your party and one prepares the boat as the other directs you to your seat. Across the dock and up ahead is another dock, but the figure manning that one is a dour-looking man. In a moment of bravery you ask one of the golden twins who that figure is across the dock and who they are as well.

“I am Nasatya and this is my twin Dasra. We are known as the Ashvin. Across the water is Charon. He loads his boats alone where we work together.” Just then another person dashes in and grabs a couple of wheelchairs you had not noticed until then, he winks at you and in an instant is gone.

Starboard - Charon

Dasra anticipates your question, “That was Hermes. He helps take the wheelchairs to the other side. Sit. Enjoy.” With that he cracks his whip and the boat moves into the inky darkness of the watery cave.

Wheelchair - Hermes

An eight-minute ride through a mermaid-filled grotto, down into a fierce naval battle and the subsequent ransacking, pillaging of a town ends as you pass a treasure room and find yourself in the bowels of the fort. The boat stops and you look to your side and there is Hermes leaving two wheelchairs in the far corner only to dash out and up moments later. At the other corner is a tall muscular being with the head of a crocodile that you are able to somehow understand perfectly. Sobek tells you to gather your belongings and exit the boat, which you promptly do. Up the ramp you go out and into a gift shop. This is the end of the tour at Pirates, yet you it will be a long time before you can shake the wonder you now feel at having experienced the ride and all those illuminating (sometimes literally) and astounding figures you met along the way.

Unload - Sobek

However what you did not see might be even more impressive. Manning an array of cameras and controls to keep everyone safe and accounted for is Argus Panoptes, the all-seeing. With his hundred eyes nothing escapes his view. He is ever vigilant for everything to run smoothly and for everyone to remain safe.

Tower - Argus Panoptes

Those who coordinate and lead the area are figures of heroic stature even among the rest of the cast. Rostam is an Iranian hero to whom no task is impossible; neither too small nor too large. He coordinates the everyday activities and is friend to the rest of the cast. Leading him and all others is Lao Tzu. This wise teacher guides the operation as only someone of his knowledge, forbearance, and patience could.

Coordinator - Rostam

Leader - Lao Tzu

The Perfect Staff - Haunted Mansion Edition

By: Gus Victoria

Working at a theme park can sometimes be monotonous, but many other times it can be crushing with the pressure that comes from dealing with guests that have done away with common sense for the duration of their vacation (assuming, generously I might add, that they had any to begin with). The insane requests add up and sometimes no amount of shouting or pointing can convince a family that the door clearly marked “exit” is not secretly an entrance.  Those are just a couple of the things one must deal with.

In this work environment stress can easily get to you. During one of those stress-filled days recently I wondered what it would be like if the entire attraction was run by gods and heroes of old? I took each position as you encounter it and put a character fitting the role; historically and/or mythologically. So enjoy Magic Kingdom’s Haunted Mansion as run by a godly cast!

Greeters

Cuchulainn - Beowulf

As you approach the entrance of the mansion you see two hulking warriors. Each dressed in the typical butler green you no doubt notice the muscles tearing at the fabric as if two Germanic Incredible Hulks await the question they know is leaping to escape.

“Is this the—“

Before you can finish and say “entrance” Beowulf bellows “Enter foolish mortal!!” Then he and Cuchlainn share a hearty laugh as they take long deep swigs from their tremendous tankards which you assume are filled with something other than water. The sun glints off their tremendous steel weapons giving you a sense of trepidation and unease that will only grow as you continue down the queue. These two are after all the most good-natured of the cast.

Turnstiles

Hecate

Winding your way down the path, around the rose garden and through the garnet-colored canopy you finally come upon a crossroads. To your left is a world of interactive enchantment through a wondrous cemetery and to your right…is not. Hecate stands there waiting not very patiently for you to make your choice. As you struggle with your choice you notice Hecate’s smile waver and fade. Her mood darkens and so does the sky. You feel electricity in the air. A choice begins to form in your head, but you cannot yet decide your course. Storm clouds gather around you and the once sunny Florida day has threatened to let loose a deluge of near-bibical proportions. Yet you continue to delay your choice. In a moment of clarity though you run to your left and the skies clear as you look back to see a grinning Hecate wave warmly at you as she smiles.

Queue

Anubis

After having traveled through the enchanted cemetery playing amongst the tombs of a composer, a sea captain, and a poetess you reach a place where before you is a large wooden door. In front of this closed door stands Anubis. Despite his jackal-head you can understand him perfectly as he humorlessly requests that you fill all the open space in front of. That’s when you notice that indeed there is much space between you and the next person. You look sheepishly at Anubis as you inch closer to the person in front of you and the doors. You can’t tell if it is a smile or a snarl that he casts at you, but whatever it is you feel it burn deep within your soul laying bare all your secrets and insecurities when suddenly the door in front of you flies open!

Stretch

Thor

“YOUR TIME HAS COME! ENTER MORTALS!!”

The command is shouted like thunder and you tremble slightly. You feel fortunate that trembling was your only hesitation because hanging conspicuously from his belt is the biggest war hammer you have ever seen. Even in the darkened foyer room you can see the energy crackling across it and the power emanating from it. A child begins to cry frantically that he is terrified. His concerned parents share a panicked look hoping, in vain, that Thor does not notice.

With a furious glance in their direction the child is silenced; momentarily. Upon the second shriek though Mjolnir rises and Thor brandishes it in front of the bratty child.

“CHILD THIS HOUSE IS NOT TO BE FEARED!! I AM!! INTO THE ROOM! NOW!!!!”

With that the parents faint. With disgust Thor calls to his father’s ravens and they escort the frightened party out. With a glance that would melt the strongest resolve of the most veteran warrior Thor challenges anyone to repeat the display of the weakling child and his parents. No one does and content, Thor enters the Stretch room kindly asking everyone to enter the dead center. No one disobeys.

Load 1

Hercules

Surviving the most terrifying moments of your life to that point you enter a hallway at the end of which is a slowly moving belt. Beside this belt move your ride vehicles; nearly identical black buggies.  On the belt you see two figures, one at each end. The first is nearly as intimidating as Thor. He is the mighty Hercules and though his rippling frame is impressive it is the hint of madness in his eyes that gives you pause. As you approach he tells you in no uncertain terms that there are no more than three to a buggy. As you turn to discuss with your family who will ride with whom you feel an iron grip close around your waist and in a moment you are thrust mightily into the empty waiting buggy. Hercules simply says in a humorless tone, “you ride alone.”

Load 2

Thoth

At the end of that very belt you see an Ibis- headed butler. Like Anubis before you can also understand him perfectly. His nametag says “Thoth.” He stands in front of a colorful monitor that read all sorts of information you can’t decipher from your seat and through your shock. With a feather he uses as a pen he bids you to sit back, let the bar close, and enjoy your ride. Then he writes down something. You pray as you’ve never prayed before that whatever he wrote down was good. You are not sure.

Unload

Kali – Fudo Myoo

The ride itself consists of the most peaceful eight minutes you’ve had throughout this entire experience.  That ends in a urine-inducing frenzy brought about by a four-limbed monstrosity wielding a scimitar and a necklace of severed human heads. She shouts that you exit to your left and watch your step. You do so, because you know to disobey would be fatal. Kali then spits out a sincere “have a magical day!”  The blood she splatters you with you know you will not clean as easily as the urine.   

Fudo Myoo stares at you as you exit. With a sword in one hand and a length of rope he is almost as intimidating a figure as Kali. He tells you to watch your step as well. You would feel offended at this repeated instruction where it not for the fact that deep in your heart you know to show such offense would result in a new head for Kali’s necklace or you might find out what Fudo-Myoo’s accessories are for.

Wheelchair Assist (Optional)

Jesus Christ

If you or any in your party were confined to a wheelchair you would have seen Jesus smiling warmly. He would have asked how far you could walk. Whatever your answer and whatever your malady he would cure it and your wheelchair would be commandeered and recycled for something far more useful.

“Oh you say you can’t walk, oh but I think you can…rise.”

And there you have it, this is the universe’s greatest cast for Magic Kingdom’s Haunted Mansion. No nonsense and no stress, well for the cast at least. However a cast needs other to help coordinate the various tasks needed. And what better leader than the Prince of Egypt himself: Moses. He and Anubis do not get along well personally, but respect the hell out of each other.

And above Moses, running the show if you will, is Ganesha. With luck and wisdom such as his the attraction is in good hands; all four of them.

Moses - Ganesha

(Originally posted April 9, 2011)